Story Time: Remembering My First Retreat

In my early 40s, I attended my first retreat. It was intense and difficult, but 100% worth it!

I joined a group of women who were complete strangers to me, however they all knew each other. I was an outsider. Intimidating, right? Add to it that many of them were psychotherapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists and you might wonder what on earth I was thinking.

As if that wasn't enough, it was also a plant medicine retreat meaning we would be taking psychedelics. I was relatively new to plant medicine, and every ceremony up to this point had revealed hard truths that were forcing me to examine my life from new angles. In journey space, the saying goes, "You can't un-know what you know now." There were so many lessons I was still integrating, and yet here I was contemplating a whole weekend of deep inner-work in the company of strangers.

My Spidey Senses kept warning, "No. Don't go. It's a group of women. You aren't safe. You don't belong." This was my sincere belief - the ego TELLING me all the reasons I shouldn't go.

Context: Prior to the retreat, I hadn't had the best experience with women. I had a lot of judgement, resentment and mistrust pent up inside after years of neglect, abuse and abandonment as a child. I also was a highly skilled executive in a Fortune 500 company where competition between women was fierce. If you want to see what suppressed Divine Feminine energy looks like, step into a board room and watch the posturing and posing with masculine characteristics coming from women.

No doubt the facilitator who recommended the group to me could see that the lack of intimacy and connection with women was holding me back and keeping stuck in an unhealthy pattern.

It was time for a new lesson, so I leaned into the discomfort. I put myself in a scary situation, and went against lifelong programming.

I had a million excuses to legitimately keep me away from the experience, and believe me I thought about bailing out several times.

• It's too expensive.

• I don't know anyone.

• I'll need childcare.

• I have to take time off work.

• It's far away.

• The women will be competitive, superficial and catty.

• I have food sensitivities.

• Blah, blah, blah (aka BS)

But the Little Voice...

As the day of the retreat crept closer, I could FEEL my intuition tip-toeing into the dark, cramped crevices of my mind. The little voice that nudged me to inquire, book and attend this retreat was now fighting for space among all my resistance and endless negative thoughts. At first I barely noticed it and quickly wrote it off - dismissed before hearing and listening to it. In my defense, the voice had been dormant for a long time and we weren't well acquainted. It felt foreign to listen and act on these subtle gut feelings and soft whispers.

In fact, I was VERY SUCCESSFUL at ignoring, second-guessing and disregarding the voice.

However the persistence and insistence of the voice made it challenging to ignore. It sounded reasonable, caring and protective - like a benevolent energy directing love, kindness and support toward me. She had a calm demeanor that wasn't charged with emotion, and it never displayed any aggression or malicious intent. I listened to the voice, put on my big girl pants, packed my favorite blanket & pillow, and went to the retreat. No more hemming and hawing, and no more excuses.

The Women

I showed up to the retreat with preconceived ideas of what I would experience, and suited up. Armor, armor and more armor. I also brought a few masks and bricks to build my walls higher so I could deflect accordingly. I certainly didn't want anyone to get too close and see the real me.

Fat good that did!

It's easy to laugh about now, but let me tell you I showed up closed off and like a wounded animal. I was prickly, defensive and evaluating every path out of the room for an emergency exit. Needless to say, these beautiful women could read me like a book. They were gentle, yet strong. Nurturing, capable, very intelligent and not going to put up with immaturity. If anyone in the group, wasn't willing to do their WORK and take responsibility for their life, they weren't going to last long with these high frequency souls.

Here's the deal...

When you're surrounded by so many courageous women that are deeply rooted in their truth and secure in their understanding of who they are and their divine purpose, you either elevate your game to their level and allow them to be the mentors and examples for your growth, or you simply can't breathe and won't feel comfortable in their presence. They challenge you to become the very best version of yourself. If you aren't ready to walk on your highest path, you'll feel out of place and incredibly ill at ease.

They are literally Divine Feminine energy personified and it's breathtaking.

The ladies have been gathering for decades. They've supported one another through death, birth, major transitions, life transformations, trauma, astral travel, illness, tragedy, celebrations, job loss, love and more. They hold space for each other to be witnessed - seen and heard. Each has been the teacher and the student. They are authentic and grounded, and there is zero competitiveness. They honor and respect each other for their similarities and differences, and choose to commune 3-4 times a year to nourish the sacred bond of sisterhood. They come from all walks of life, different socioeconomic and political affiliations, different generations and a variety of religious perspectives. And yet, there's a fierce loyalty and an abundance of love palpable to all who encounter this group.

Back to the Retreat

I told you the retreat was extremely difficult; an understatement to say the least. These beautiful, nurturing women welcomed me, and could see how raw I was from holding on to so much emotion, hurt, anger, grief and low vibration energy. With their love and support, I confronted beliefs and programs that needed to shift - messages I'd been carrying since childhood. As I began to examine each belief one-by-one, I couldn't ignore or deny the irony of the situation. The universe delivered me into the lion's den to give me a lesson on embodied feminine love while showing me the core wounds delivered by my mom and step-mom that hurt me deeply. Bit of an oxymoron and yet divinely orchestrated.

Not only were the plants showing me how important this group of ladies would become, they showed me why my past experiences with women were a critical part of my growth. The trauma was necessary for my soul's journey and a lesson I came back to learn in this lifetime. How poignant of the universe to cultivate and deliver the exact opposite energy for understanding and healing.

Being enveloped in the container of Divine Feminine energy while examining the opposite and seeing for the first time the juxtaposition, gave me the opportunity to choose and act with agency:

1. Relive the same story and keeping the wound raw and festering believing that women can't be trusted and reinforcing the old program; or

2. Be open to the possibility that I can experience motherly love while examining the wound inflicted by 'mothers'.

Talk about mind-blowing!

I had been in and out of therapy for years to shift this trauma. But no matter how much my mind could rationalize and 'talk me into' admitting that not all women were dangerous, I couldn't feel it. My guard was always up and the sympathetic nervous system on vigilant watch for even the slightest sign of betrayal or abandonment. Simply put, I didn't feel safe and fear was in charge.

During the retreat, I couldn't deny what I was experiencing and feeling . I couldn't run and hide from it. I couldn't unknow what I just learned. I had to confront and face the facts - the evidence was overwhelming. I could feel my body finally releasing and relaxing with these women even as I was processing some of the most painful aspects of my life. I could feel the energy shifting and I began feeling lighter and less burdened.

Why I Continue to Join and Lead Retreats

At the retreat, my mom whom had died almost 20 years prior came to me. I had a very real experience with her in which we shared energy, time and space together. She shared with me her story not as an excuse, but rather for context and because she had never been witnessed and understood.

She carried the trauma she faced as a child and teenager into her adulthood, and despite trying to outrun it, she could never escape the horror she endured. She did the best she could without the support necessary to process those events. She showed me that if I too opt not to address my fears, wounds, and programs, I would have the same potential to hurt my children and leave a scar on humanity. Her message could only be delivered in a place where the female motherly love energy could help me rebuild. And make no mistake, she was right there in the thick of it to assist.

I continue to participate in retreats (not just plant medicine) because it gives me time to pause. I leave the day-to-day MO behind and enjoy a dedicated time and space beyond my daily meditations to connect with the Little Voice. Time to examine and realign my priorities to my values so I can live in integrity. Time to reconnect with my heart and hear my soul so I can walk my highest path. Time to take care of myself so I can be in service to others. And time to explore new modalities, teachers, formats and community to see myself in others and vice versa, others see themselves in me. I lean into the discomfort so I can grow.

That retreat changed my understanding of life and gave me the courage to walk a new path. The ladies continue to be my cheerleaders while also holding me accountable. They have been instrumental in my growth, and their commitment to self-discovery well into their 70s and 80s inspires me to do my Work. I walked away from a successful career in the Oil & Gas Industry to hold sacred space for others so they can also be seen and heard. I have chosen a life different from social pressures and norms because this work feeds and nourishes my soul.

I have my SOLL Sisterhood to thank. You all humble and amaze me daily. I love you and have so much gratitude for the acceptance and foundation you've given for me to shine. I lead because I am called to, and because I know I have the support of so many strong, remarkable women in my corner cheering me on and catching me when I stumble.